Phobias

At the start of this blog , I had mentioned you would learn of some of my (many) phobias.  Some will understand and some, will roll their eyes.  Our cousin in Monterotondo, had a fear of bees. One summer the community offered a course in Bee Keeping, and he enrolled in order to understand the thing he fears. Today he successfully has many Bee Colonies and makes his own honey (very tasty). 

Anxiety has always been a problem for me as far back as I could remember. As I become more aware of the why and when, I have learned to control it to some degree with moderate success. I do have a ‘security blanket’. I carry with me but have not taken (for a very long time)a prescribed medication for Panic Attacks. Most times, the feel of that little pill box apon my person enables me to deal with the problem without the actual medication. To the ones now saying “its in his mind”, your absolutely correct. I say to them try to change a life long habit, it is not so easy, easy to say, but not so easy to do.  It is a lifelong challenge to alter a behavior one has developed. At best, one learns to deal with it best they can.  There have been a few times, I was not able to soothe a panic attack and had to take the prescribed pill. If I can avoid it, I try my utmost, for I know, If I can deal with it mentally without precriptions it reinforces my ability to deal with it.

Panic Attacks, are like; you are about to die. This is essentially how one feels. Your head spins, you lose balance, your heart beats faster. You have shortness of breath, sweat uncontrollably, and feel you must get up if you are sitting, if you are standing, you must sit down. You feel you must move about if you are standing still, and if you are moving about you must stand still. Your heart  actually beats quite fast and the more you realize it, it seems to beat even faster. You know exactly what is happening to you but you don’t know because your mind in not functioning properly. Your just focused on the fact that you are about to die, and look around you as though it is the last thing you will ever see.

Here I am on holiday, on a beautiful cruise ship in the Mediterranean

, with my lovely bride of 36 years. I adore this woman and commend her for putting up with my many faults all these years. It has not been easy to say the least, and at times has lost her patience and temper. (Mauro)

I don’t blame her one little bit, not at all. Many times I have bailed or pleaded for her to attend a dinner or function on her own or with our friends, alone. Please alow me to give you a little more insight into this phobia felt by me, and many others.

On this day we are taking a guided tour from our ship to the ruins  and ancient sites in and around Athens. Athens, like Rome is very congested with cars, motorbikes, buses, tours, and people. As we depart to the sites, our tour guide begins her  descriptive narrative of the sites we are about to visit.  As she is talking, I don’t hear a single word and she is only a few steps away from me. I look about to the back and front of bus, hmm,,,no toilet on this tour bus. I view the traffic and the traffic lights ahead of us. Hmmm ,,,,heading into morning commute traffic. I close my eyes and hear silence, and tell myself that the traffic is moving, and I have gone to the toilet just before getting on the bus. I open my eyes and see we have not moved an inch in 10 minutes and feel the urge to look for a toilet. Relax Len, as I adjust the air flow control for the air conditioning above me, and wonder if the people in front and behind me would mind if I adjust theirs to point towards me. Rosemarys eyes are closed, she is resting her eyes, as she would want people to believe, but I know better.  She feels me squirming about and I can hear her silent thinking “its all in your mind”, she has learned not to say it out loud. Len, relax, ignore the beads of sweat now dripping from your forehead, ignore the wet sticky feeling of your shirt on your back, relax, breathe. Relax, take deep breaths, control it. Opening my eyes I see we are moving now and my breathing becomes easier. I feel the cool air of the air conditioning soothing my body. I feel Rosemarys’ smile and her squeeze of my hand. I am relaxing now.

Arriving at the  Parthenon so rich in beauty and the views are  outstanding I am in awe. I cant help but notice the multitude of tour buses and the masses of people. There is beauty here, there is ancient history, this is where legends have started and exist. I see chaos.

I see shoulder to shoulder chaos of people trying to funnel through the gates with tickets in hands, to  two  very slow moving ticket takers. The heat , even this early in the morning beats off the worn marble we stand on. Put it out of your mind Len. This is an historic ancient site reflecting our very existence. Not to mention many films have used this site as backdrops, one comes to mind, “Jason and The Argonauts”,   where they trapped the winged creatures. That reminds me, I know now who that tour guide reminds me of, that fabled woman with snakes in her hair, and if you gaze at her, you will be turned to stone. A lovely woman, telling the bus driver how to drive the bus. Every once in a while I see his glare to her as though balancing the thought of quitting, or homicide.

She made her own rules such as wearing the mic around her neck instead of in front of her mouth and we had receivers in our ears with her constant sounds of the mic brushing her neck and clothing. Very very very annoying.  Almost all have it turned off now and are ignoring her.

Making our way down the slippery marble paths toward the exit, we gather and await the guide. “How long to the next stop?” She replies, “Athens is a very beautiful city full of culture.”  I repeat slowly, “Next stop? Bathroom? How long?” “We shall stop shortly at an Art Shop with clean rest rooms.” I used the ones on this site and they were clean by my standards and in relation to the amount of people it handled.  “Oh yes very clean and today for this group only you will receive a 10% discount off any purchase in the shop.  If my body temp was not already high, it has now peaked and boiling over. Hate being hustled, but this practice is so common worldwide. Patience very thin now, I ask “Are the Taxis regulated in Athens?” Puzzled look on the the womans’ face.  “Are they required to use the meters or bargain for fare?”  Still that puzzled look, I fear to look her straight in the face for I may be turned into stone.  I rephrase, slowly,   “ I……want…… to……return………to ship.” Ahhh yes now the puzzled look going away. “For anyone wishing to leave the tour, you may do so but must make your own way back to ship.”

“We shall be leaving shortly.”  Never specific times, like 5 minutes or 10 minutes, just, soon.  Rosemary gives me her look. I have seen this look too often. “I am so sorry.” Say I. I close my eyes and concentrate on breathing control. Smile back at Rosemary and say…”All is well, I am fine.”

A nearby fellow passenger, a very nice woman, says, “Its  the same no matter where you go, one has to laugh or else it will get to you.” I smile and laugh ,“You are so right.”